The Five Stages of Grief: Understanding the Kübler-Ross Model
When we lose someone or something we love, the feeling can be unbearable. Loss can stem from separation from a loved one (including divorce), losing a home or job, or even death itself. Such losses, especially those involving death, trigger various feelings and emotions that can be unified under one word: grief.
What Are the Five Stages of Grief?
The “Five Stages of Grief” model was developed by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1926-2004), a Swiss-born psychiatrist who built her career in the United States. She published her findings in 1969 in her groundbreaking book “On Death and Dying,” and is recognized as a pioneer in research related to near-death experiences.
The five stages identified by Kübler-Ross are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
These stages were formulated through empirical research with terminally ill patients, though the model has since been applied to various situations where people face fundamental change.
Stage 1: Denial
Denial is an attempt to reduce the intense pain of loss or the shock of impending loss. When confronted with significant loss, our reality is literally turned upside down, but we’re not ready to accept it immediately. We remain under the influence of yesterday’s reality, making it logical to deny the new one. Denial serves as an emotional survival mechanism, allowing us to slow down the overwhelming flood of new, unpleasant information while we process what’s happening.
Stage 2: Anger
When denial can no longer be maintained, it’s replaced by feelings of anger, rage, envy, or resentment. This can be a difficult stage because anger may spread in all directions and be projected onto those around us almost randomly. Anger becomes a logical way to release pent-up emotions as our brain struggles to process vast amounts of new information. This stage can feel isolating, as others may perceive our anger as unwillingness to communicate.
Stage 3: Bargaining
At this stage, we turn to a higher power for help, realizing the situation is serious and beyond human capability to resolve. This sense of helplessness pushes us toward bargaining with God, giving us a sense of control over something we know we cannot control. Common thoughts include promises to change, become better people, or dedicate our lives to serving God in exchange for relief or reversal of the loss. We focus on our personal failures and shortcomings, wishing we could turn back time and act differently.
Stage 4: Depression
Our consciousness calms down and we slowly begin to recognize reality as it is. Hope for a miracle fades, bargaining ceases, and we face the loss directly. The panic recedes, the emotional fog clears, and the loss feels very real and inevitable. Sadness grows within us, and we become more isolated and withdrawn. While this is a natural stage of grief, dealing with depression after losing a loved one can be an extremely lonely experience.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Accepting the loss or change doesn’t mean we no longer experience pain or sadness. Acceptance isn’t a stage of joy or happiness. Rather, we simply stop resisting reality and trying to change it. Sadness, pain, and regret may still be present, but the emotional survival tactics of denial, anger, and bargaining are no longer active. Instead, there’s a letting go of illusory hopes and a resulting sense of calm.
Important Considerations
Not everyone experiencing grief passes through these five stages in the same sequence. The boundaries between stages can vary for different people, and it’s possible to return to a previous stage. There’s no specific timeframe for completing each stage—some people may move through all five relatively quickly (within weeks), while others may take much longer (months or years). The pain people experience during critical times is highly individual, making each person’s journey through the five stages of grief unique.
